i'm baffled by brian and all of the things he has already decided about how i think and feel. over the course of a couple of conversations he has told me that 1) the only reason i could've been less affectionate towards him was b/c i wasn't in love w/him. the reasons i told him are "shaky at best" and he thinks i'm being untruthful. 2) i think he's an ok father, ok husband, ok everything but don't see him as exceptional but he's ok b/c he'll do. 3) if we divorce i won't be upset about losing him, i'll be most upset about not having "my life". 4) i can't truly love him b/c my world hasn't totally crumbled in front of him and i'm able to go about my day. 5) i'm happy that his job makes him travel b/c i'm glad he's away.
it is beyond frustrating and saddening to watch him decide these things b/c they're negative and all he wants to do is think negative things. it really hurts. i've cried every single day except for one (after we'd seen jack i felt purposeful and positive) and i cry multiple times a day. he somehow doesn't realize that even though he has seen me w/red eyes and can hear my breathing in bed at night sometimes when it's not normal. i am consumed by this yet he thinks i'm dealing w/everything ok b/c i don't love him. it is horrible to watch brian tell me these things about myself like they're facts that i've said aloud. i never have. then when i tell him that those things are not how i feel he doesn't care/believe me b/c it makes sense in his mind. how do you change someones mind about you when they've already cemented these thoughts into their mind? it's an uphill battle.