shots in the dark

i'm at a total loss of what to do. my life just feels so shitty. it really does.

i brought up to brian last sunday that maybe we should separate so he could get a feel for what it would be like if he wasn't w/me and wasn't in this "awkward" situation. i just didn't know if it was really the right thing to do. my next counseling session w/jack was the next day...i wanted it bring it up to him. jack said that it wasn't a good idea. he said that people who separate do so b/c they can't get along and have knock-down, drag-out fights and need some time away from each other; as they separate they continue to work on their relationship b/c they want to be together still. we wouldn't be doing it like that so jack said it wouldn't work. i talked to brian that night (he was out of town for work) and told him what jack had said. he ultimately said that he'd stay at home. so, he got home late thursday and i was already in bed. we talked yesterday after we went out for my mother's day dinner at el torito. brian basically said that he didn't understand how we're supposed to live together if it's "awkward". and since he has nothing to work on (from his point of view) then what are we going to do. i basically said he has 2 options....stay or leave....and then i'll take it from there. then after i took my shower he said that what he could think of is that he gets what jack says about us being in the same house but he needs space from me (how sweet) so he was thinking that he could get that by sleeping in our guest room.

yep, the man who married me wants to stay as far away from me as possible. this shouldn't be taken personally though, right? of course not. last night he slept in our bed though. tonight he's going out w/his friend and will stay  at his house b/c they'll be out drinking. again, i'm not sure what jack would say...i'll be back to him on monday. i can't make someone sleep in a bed w/me. i can't choose his actions or behaviors...just like he can't choose what the consequences of his actions will be. that i got from jack.

time w/friends

i went out w/the girls on friday to dinner and a movie. it was so nice to be out w/people who wanted to be out w/me and who actually had fun w/me. it was so nice to laugh. after you're around someone for any amount of time who is distant and uncaring it's nice to step away and see that other people do want to talk to you and do want to laugh w/you.

i'm still working on stuff w/brian. it's hard. he's very unresponsive and distant. it's so sad that in reality i'll probably never get my brian back. i want him back, so i'll keep trying. it's just really hard to push forward and be positive.

why does he think he knows everything?

i'm baffled by brian and all of the things he has already decided about how i think and feel. over the course of a couple of conversations he has told me that 1) the only reason i could've been less affectionate towards him was b/c i wasn't in love w/him. the reasons i told him are "shaky at best" and he thinks i'm being untruthful. 2) i think he's an ok father, ok husband, ok everything but don't see him as exceptional but he's ok b/c he'll do. 3) if we divorce i won't be upset about losing him, i'll be most upset about not having "my life". 4) i can't truly love him b/c my world hasn't totally crumbled in front of him and i'm able to go about my day. 5) i'm happy that his job makes him  travel b/c i'm glad he's away.

it is beyond frustrating and saddening to watch him decide these things b/c they're negative and all he wants to do is think negative things. it really hurts. i've cried every single day except for one (after we'd seen jack i felt purposeful and positive) and i cry multiple times a day. he somehow doesn't realize that even though he has seen me w/red eyes and can hear my breathing in bed at night sometimes when it's not normal. i am consumed by this yet he thinks i'm dealing w/everything ok b/c i don't love him. it is horrible to watch brian tell me these things about myself like they're facts that i've said aloud. i never have. then when i tell him that those things are not how i feel he doesn't care/believe me b/c it makes sense in his mind. how do you change someones mind about you when they've already cemented these thoughts into their mind? it's an uphill battle.