Saturday, April 14, 2012

i don't want this

old blog deleted; new blog started.

3 weeks ago brian had a conversation w/me that started w/me asking what was wrong w/him b/c he seemed to be in a grumpy mood. i don't think i was even close to guessing what he was going to guesses included working from home and having cabin fever, tired from working out and losing weight, traveling for a new job, etc. nah, none of that. to make a very long story short he basically told me that over the course of the last 2 years he felt that i had pulled away from him (emotionally, affectionwise, etc). he came to the conclusion that i must be that way for only 1 reason; that reason had to be that i wasn't in love with him. so, in turn he pulled away from me and fell out of love w/me.

fastforward to 3 weeks ago, we talked. he brought all of that up and i thought over that day and the next as to why that had happened and i decided, for me, that our relationship over the last 8 years had become routine to me, maybe took everything for granted as i went through my daily life, had stressors: me being laid off after 9 years of teaching, brian being moved to piece work instead of hourly pay (both of which would greatly effect our income and ability to pay our mortgage), have tommy who is now 2 years and 3 months old, and being pregnant w/our second child (yes, being told all of this at 17 weeks pregnant is not the best thing ever). i told him all of that. well, to him that can't be has to be that i'm not in love w/him....if two people are in love those types of things couldn't effect your day-to-day life. nope. you'll have to deal w/my answer b/c it's my answer. i still love, and am in love with, my husband. since this was never directly brought upto me over the course of two years it's brought to me at a point where brian already has fallen out of love w/me. question is what do i do next?

well, as we talked over the course of a week we got nowhere together. we agreed that there had been a lack of affection but we disagreed on why that happened. since we disagreed on the whys of it we felt we couldn't put together a course of action for ourselves. i suggested that we talk to a third party who could hopefully give us some guidance. so, i found us a marriage counselor through my insurance: jack.

we had our first meeting w/jack last tuesday. our next meeting is monday after work.

i will go into more detail as time goes on. this is a quick overview of how my life has turned to shit. i feel hurt, sad, mad, angry, alone...very alone. who did i piss off to make my life do this?

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