shots in the dark

i'm at a total loss of what to do. my life just feels so shitty. it really does.

i brought up to brian last sunday that maybe we should separate so he could get a feel for what it would be like if he wasn't w/me and wasn't in this "awkward" situation. i just didn't know if it was really the right thing to do. my next counseling session w/jack was the next day...i wanted it bring it up to him. jack said that it wasn't a good idea. he said that people who separate do so b/c they can't get along and have knock-down, drag-out fights and need some time away from each other; as they separate they continue to work on their relationship b/c they want to be together still. we wouldn't be doing it like that so jack said it wouldn't work. i talked to brian that night (he was out of town for work) and told him what jack had said. he ultimately said that he'd stay at home. so, he got home late thursday and i was already in bed. we talked yesterday after we went out for my mother's day dinner at el torito. brian basically said that he didn't understand how we're supposed to live together if it's "awkward". and since he has nothing to work on (from his point of view) then what are we going to do. i basically said he has 2 options....stay or leave....and then i'll take it from there. then after i took my shower he said that what he could think of is that he gets what jack says about us being in the same house but he needs space from me (how sweet) so he was thinking that he could get that by sleeping in our guest room.

yep, the man who married me wants to stay as far away from me as possible. this shouldn't be taken personally though, right? of course not. last night he slept in our bed though. tonight he's going out w/his friend and will stay  at his house b/c they'll be out drinking. again, i'm not sure what jack would say...i'll be back to him on monday. i can't make someone sleep in a bed w/me. i can't choose his actions or behaviors...just like he can't choose what the consequences of his actions will be. that i got from jack.

time w/friends

i went out w/the girls on friday to dinner and a movie. it was so nice to be out w/people who wanted to be out w/me and who actually had fun w/me. it was so nice to laugh. after you're around someone for any amount of time who is distant and uncaring it's nice to step away and see that other people do want to talk to you and do want to laugh w/you.

i'm still working on stuff w/brian. it's hard. he's very unresponsive and distant. it's so sad that in reality i'll probably never get my brian back. i want him back, so i'll keep trying. it's just really hard to push forward and be positive.

why does he think he knows everything?

i'm baffled by brian and all of the things he has already decided about how i think and feel. over the course of a couple of conversations he has told me that 1) the only reason i could've been less affectionate towards him was b/c i wasn't in love w/him. the reasons i told him are "shaky at best" and he thinks i'm being untruthful. 2) i think he's an ok father, ok husband, ok everything but don't see him as exceptional but he's ok b/c he'll do. 3) if we divorce i won't be upset about losing him, i'll be most upset about not having "my life". 4) i can't truly love him b/c my world hasn't totally crumbled in front of him and i'm able to go about my day. 5) i'm happy that his job makes him  travel b/c i'm glad he's away.

it is beyond frustrating and saddening to watch him decide these things b/c they're negative and all he wants to do is think negative things. it really hurts. i've cried every single day except for one (after we'd seen jack i felt purposeful and positive) and i cry multiple times a day. he somehow doesn't realize that even though he has seen me w/red eyes and can hear my breathing in bed at night sometimes when it's not normal. i am consumed by this yet he thinks i'm dealing w/everything ok b/c i don't love him. it is horrible to watch brian tell me these things about myself like they're facts that i've said aloud. i never have. then when i tell him that those things are not how i feel he doesn't care/believe me b/c it makes sense in his mind. how do you change someones mind about you when they've already cemented these thoughts into their mind? it's an uphill battle.

dear ben,
you were created for the same reason as tommy....b/c i knew i wanted you and i knew i'd love you so much. i apologize in advance for how you must be feeling inside my stomach as my life is turned upside down. you aren't getting the same ride tommy did. at 17 weeks when your dad brought all of this up to me my world was turned upside down. i'm sorry for the stress you must feel and my sadness that seeps into you. my goal is for everything to be peachy keen by the time you get here but i can't promise you that. all i know is that i'll love you as much as i love tommy and that he'll be a great brother to you....that's all i can really promise you. i thought you were guaranteed more. i thought i was too. i'm sorry. i'll forever be sorry for the ride you have in my belly as i try to work out my life and you try to prepare for your life outside my womb. i forever wanted you and will forever love you.
love,
your mom

wants out or is cheating....

so, this past week brian and i went to our 3rd counseling session and jack wanted to see us separate. i went first on monday and brian went on tuesday. one of the things he asked me was if i think that brian just wants out of the marriage and/or is cheating on me. my face looked shocked, i'm sure. the brian i've known for 8 years would never do that to me, so i answer i don't think so but that's based on the brian i've known for 8 years....this new brian i don't feel like i know, he can't be the same person....so, it's possible, right? jack said that he's not saying that those are facts but said that's what he'd be thinking if it were him. would brian do those things to me? i cannot say for certain no at this point in my life. i never thought brian would make me question any of this about him. how did we get here....really?

so, mckatie comes over last night w/piper (and potvin who was visiting w/brian outside) and we talk babies and other talk for awhile and then this situation gets brought up. i basically told her what jack had asked me. she said that she was thinking along the same lines as that but didn't want to say it out loud. that maybe he wants out of the marriage but doesn't want to be the bad guy. although she doesn't think he's cheating now she wouldn't be surprised if it happened b/c of him thinking the grass will be greener on the other side.

i'm lost. is my husband really just trying to dump this marriage? does he really want to be working on this? am i naive to believe that he could/want to love me?

who needs to eat?

after i dropped tommy off at my parent's house i drove to starbuck's. i opened my door and reached down for my purse; only there was no purse down there. so, i couldn't get breakfast and i couldn't go next door to buy my subway for lunch either. after i got to work i text brian to let him know how my day sucked b/c i didn't have food since i'd left my purse at home. all he did was text me back that "that sucks". i figured he wouldn't care at all but part of me hoped i was wrong. part of me really hoped that he would drive and get me something and bring it to me at work....about a half hour drive from our house to my school. i knew it was silly b/c he doesn't really care about me but i thought maybe he'd think of the baby. to top it off today is my long day at work b/c we have a meeting after school so i didn't get home until 5. it would've just been nice to be cared for.

i don't want this

old blog deleted; new blog started.

3 weeks ago brian had a conversation w/me that started w/me asking what was wrong w/him b/c he seemed to be in a grumpy mood. i don't think i was even close to guessing what he was going to say...my guesses included working from home and having cabin fever, tired from working out and losing weight, traveling for a new job, etc. nah, none of that. to make a very long story short he basically told me that over the course of the last 2 years he felt that i had pulled away from him (emotionally, affectionwise, etc). he came to the conclusion that i must be that way for only 1 reason; that reason had to be that i wasn't in love with him. so, in turn he pulled away from me and fell out of love w/me.

fastforward to 3 weeks ago, we talked. he brought all of that up and i thought over that day and the next as to why that had happened and i decided, for me, that our relationship over the last 8 years had become routine to me, maybe took everything for granted as i went through my daily life, had stressors: me being laid off after 9 years of teaching, brian being moved to piece work instead of hourly pay (both of which would greatly effect our income and ability to pay our mortgage), have tommy who is now 2 years and 3 months old, and being pregnant w/our second child (yes, being told all of this at 17 weeks pregnant is not the best thing ever). i told him all of that. well, to him that can't be it...it has to be that i'm not in love w/him....if two people are in love those types of things couldn't effect your day-to-day life. nope. you'll have to deal w/my answer b/c it's my answer. i still love, and am in love with, my husband. since this was never directly brought upto me over the course of two years it's brought to me at a point where brian already has fallen out of love w/me. question is what do i do next?

well, as we talked over the course of a week we got nowhere together. we agreed that there had been a lack of affection but we disagreed on why that happened. since we disagreed on the whys of it we felt we couldn't put together a course of action for ourselves. i suggested that we talk to a third party who could hopefully give us some guidance. so, i found us a marriage counselor through my insurance: jack.

we had our first meeting w/jack last tuesday. our next meeting is monday after work.

i will go into more detail as time goes on. this is a quick overview of how my life has turned to shit. i feel hurt, sad, mad, angry, alone...very alone. who did i piss off to make my life do this?